Monday, November 10, 2014

Between pieces

Pass the Prozac.

So I pushed myself to get my last piece done by last Monday in order to meet a same-day deadline for a local juried still life show.  I made it by the skin of my teeth, finishing that very morning. Wah-lah!  10 x 10 inches on Arches 140 lb cold pressed; finished in a record time of less than 4 weeks.

And then the rest of my week filled up with...  I have no idea.  Stuff.  Kid stuff.  House stuff.  Administrative stuff.  I also spent an inordinate amount of time becoming completely unhinged over the sound of rodents running marathons in my walls in and ceilings, which is indeed my typical reaction to the ever constant presence of mice in my house, but last week it was much worse than usual.  And I know why: I am between pieces.

I'm not the most emotionally stable tool in the shed at baseline, but lemme tell you, painting is better than any SSRI I've ever tried.  When I'm working on something--when I'm actually sitting down painting--I think about NOTHING else.  I have zero anxiety and it is glorious.  I even have less anxiety when I'm not actively painting, as long as I've got a piece in progress. 

But in between paintings?  Especially when I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to paint next?  Look out.  Every imaginable negative thought creeps in... I'm taking too long to start my next piece.  I am not prolific enough to be a "real" artist.  My next piece is surely going to suck and be so disappointing compared to my last one.  I should really paint something larger, but then I'll probably screw it up and LOOK how much expensive paper I will have wasted!!  And so on and so forth. 

I also have a lot of broad-based money-related anxiety as well, which mixes so nicely with a watercolor habit, seeing as watercolor paper/paints/brushes/everything all cost a million dollars.  But who's got money for that when mice are CHEWING THROUGH THEIR SHITTY HARDBOARD SIDING?  Grrrr.  See?  UN. HINGED.

I really need to start another painting.  STAT.

It's on the agenda for today.  That and a very stiff whisky-based beverage.

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